Out with the cold

I’ve been so busy recently I pretty much forgot about my blog. Over the last few months I’ve had a lot on my plate and trying to manage so many things at the same time pushed the blog off the table. But with the Chinese New Year finally giving me a chance to catch my breathe I’m able to post once more.

Don’t worry, this time I’m not gonna tell you how to take a shit, I thought how to take a piss in China would be more useful this time.

Step 1: Aim   Step 2: Release     Step 3: Walk away from the statue

Pretty simple. Huh!

Now that that’s done I’ll pass on some real good advice I’ve learned in China about how to keep warm during the winter here without spending thousands of RMB on electricity.

Most apartments in China are poorly made and it shows in winter. Their single pane windows and shitty insulation are a one way ticket to freezing your ass off, therefore, you need to deal with that first one method is to cover the windows with a heavy blanket but that blocks all the natural light and looks like shit. If your landlord permits you, you can redo the seals around the windows with a proper sealant. But if not I suggest duct tape around all the drafty edges. That will keep out the worst drafts. Do the same with your balcony doors. Also make sure the hole in the wall for the air con tubing is sealed most of them the hole is drilled way too large. My first apartment in China had a couple bats crawl through the hole one day while I was out.

The next price of advice I recommend only if your gonna stay for more than one winter and that is buy a high quality duvet or quilt. I know that man-made 60-150RMB blanket looks good and the price is great but it won’t keep you warm. An all natural wool or goose down quilt one is way warmer, lighter weight, and will keep the heat in especially when coupled with an electric blanket. I turn the electric blanket on just before I sleep and have it turn off after an hour and I’m toasty warm until the next morning. I haven’t used the air con all winter which saves me hundreds each month in electricity.
These two tips pretty much anyone can afford and you will be way more comfortable. If you happen to make a bit more money and want to stay even warmer in your office or living room buy heated flooring panels they run about 400-600 per panel and 3-4 panels can cover most peoples living room or office floor. And they use only a quarter the electricity of one small air con. Don’t buy them at a Chinese market or store, go to where the Japanese and Koreans buy them its much cheaper. Later this month I’m planning to cover my entire computer room and bedroom floor with them. My sister can buy her own.

I hope this article was some help to those of you freezing in your Chinese apartments. This article doesn’t apply to those expats living in the villas with central heating. Fuck you, you lucky bastards!

Posted in China General, Life No Comments »72 Lookie Lookies

How to take a shit in China

Sometime in China when you’re traveling or away from your home and you really need to take a shit what can you do?

There are a couple methods most people use.

First is to just hold it in until you can get back home. Which can result in severe pain and possible explosive shit. And it sucks walking along having to clench your ass cheeks closed so nothing slips out.

Second is to chance a Chinese public squatting toilet, although this has many serious drawbacks. Such as cleanliness there is oft naught more shit on the ground than there is in the trough because some people hate waiting. If is a squatting toilet without doors you will probably attract quite a crowd. And there is nothing worse than trying to aim your shit into that tiny slot while some countryside fuckwad is yelling “Harrrooooo Harroooo laowai,” at you. But by far the worst circumstance you could find yourself in is your in a squatting toilet where there is no doors or even partitions, everyone is just squatting and shitting in a line. You will probably encounter the English leach that wants to practice English with you while you’re shitting. So just see yourself squatting there facing another guy shitting while he asks you retarded questions: Where are your from? How old are you? Do you like China? Are you used to Chinese food? Do you want to make friends with me? Did you know China has 5000 year of wonderful culture?

Do you want to have to deal with all this shit ( pun intended) while your shitting? I figure its already hard enough to balance yourself while your squatting you don’t need any of those distractions.

So I came up with the “Another Laowai Shitting Technique” Which I have been using myself for over 4 years. This special technique is free for all of you to use until I can get it copyrighted, then you gotta pay for the privilege.

When your out and about and you really need to shit just pop into the nearest 5 star hotel. 4 star hotels can be used if the 5 star hotel is too far away and you really need to shit. Next go up to the front desk and ask directions to some location you know of which is pretty far away. When they offer to call you a taxi say “No thank you I enjoy walking” be sure to ask how far away it is walking. Once they tell you the time you must respond with shock and go ” Wow thats quite a walk, Excuse me where’s your toilet it’s probably a good idea if I went before I start walking” They will then direct you to the hotel’s bathroom which is always superbly clean and well stocked with toilet paper rolls so you don’t need to do the patented Sinocidal technique. Once your in the room just drop your pants and let it drop into the nice clean western toilet. Be sure to enjoy the soft music playing to make your shitting experience more comfortable. I have found one hotel in Shanghai that actually has a small TV in the toilet stall tuned to the sports network so you don’t miss the game, while you’re giving your offering to the toilet gods.

Sometime there just isn’t a nice hotel in the neighborhood so I have a backup plan in that case. You go into any hotel and ask for their best room or something near the top. Make sure it has a bathroom in the room beforehand. Don’t pay the deposit right away. First ask to see the room, they will take you upstairs and show you the room. Tell them you will take the room and you’ll be downstairs in a min to pay the deposit you just want to drop your bags off first and get the money from your bag. The woman will leave the room. Immediately you must go into the bathroom, carefully lift the piece of paper that says “sanitized” from the toilet seat, quickly shit, flush the evidence away, and then carefully place the piece of paper back again. Next you go downstairs and tell the people behind the desk that you decided the room wasn’t satisfactory and won’t be staying. You must leave quickly before they ask too many questions.

And there you have it, the Another Laowai Shitting Technique for your use and pleasure.

All methods have been officially tested by me and are guaranteed to work.

You can offer your thanks in Cash or Comments.

Cash preferred!

Posted in China General, Weird, Life, Humor, My life 9 Comments »352 Lookie Lookies

Embarrassed to death

Today I was very embarrassed much to the amusement of Sammi and my sister. We were having dinner at a very classy restaurant when moments after I sat down the restaurant staff came over with a large chair because they thought the chair I was sitting in was squishing my ass to much. Which was very kind of them. But they could have been more discreet about it, instead of carrying the larger chair above their head through the whole restaurant. So as Sammi, my sister, and a bunch of her friends all laughed their asses off at my expense I got 丢死人了diū sǐ rén le (embarrassed to death).

But I’m hoping with a bit of luck I won’t be given the large chair next time because I have as of this morning obtained a membership at Powerhouse Gym

Posted in Humor, My life 3 Comments »185 Lookie Lookies

Vengeful bitch

I just saw this story online I had to post it.

Report: Chinese lover to die for deadly smooch

Suspecting man’s infidelity, she passed him a poison-laced pill during kiss

SHANGHAI, China - A Chinese woman who killed her lover with a rat poison-laced kiss when she suspected him of being unfaithful was sentenced to death, a Chinese newspaper reported on Thursday.

Xia Xinfeng, from the central province of Henan, passed a capsule with rat poison from her mouth to her long-time lover, Mao Ansheng, during a kiss, the Shanghai Daily said.

Mao swallowed the capsule and died soon afterwards.

�The couple had said that if either one of them cheated on the other, he or she would have to die,� the paper said in explaining the mouth-to-mouth assault.

Xia found Mao had been �talking� with another woman and deemed that he had broken their promise.

Posted in China General 4 Comments »237 Lookie Lookies

Cats

I don’t like cats and I don’t think I ever will. Yes, they are cute and they are easy too look after, but I am a dog person myself. I wasn’t expecting last night when I went home that I would find 4 kittens in my bathtub.

Sammi had told me that there was gonna be a surprise when I got home but this wasn’t what I was expecting.

Turns out my sister saw the kittens downstairs and knew they would die during the typhoon so she decided to rescue them. She plans to put them downstairs again after the typhoon is finished

I hope they are gone soon because their food really stinks and its stinking up the whole house.

why couldn’t she find a bunch of wet cute puppies downstairs?

Posted in Weird, Suzhou, My life 1 Comment »185 Lookie Lookies

My first time investing in China

I feel like a virgin all over again.

For the first time ever I have actually invested a good chunk of money in China. How did this happen you may ask, because everyone knows I put Scrooge to shame in the tightwad department.

Well it goes like this, I came home for work after 13 hours working and I’m fucking tired all I want is something to eat then hit the sack and as I’m rummaging around trying to find something in the fridge that hasn’t expired.� Sammi come up and says “I wanna ask your permission to purchase something” Since my main interest was in eating some food I said “Ok, sure, you have my permission.” Without actually waiting to hear what it was. I guessed it was shoes, clothes or something for around the house and since I had a good day I felt generous.

So I asked her what she wanted to buy? and she said “I don’t wanna buy anything I want to invest in something at the bank”� My brain slowly woke up to the fact she wasn’t asking for a couple hundred but she was talking about serious money not petty cash. Then my brain realized it had had a long day and didn’t wanna argue so I gave in without a fight and said OK again. Sammi was surprised how quickly I agreed so she checked a few more times to be sure.

Two days later, Sammi went off to the bank with her father, because her father’s friends with the banks investment manager. Few hours later we were the proud owners of a bunch of bonds, and some things similar to stocks in 3 companies I have never heard about.I have never trusted Chinese companies so I said a tearless goodbye to the money because I didn’t believe it would ever workout and I figured we would lose most of it when the companies crashed.

So I’m sure you can imagine my shock when Sammi checked our account online 2 days later and found we had earned 700rmb already. Huh i guess some Chinese companies don’t fuck up or try fuck you over. I wanted to sing and dance but then I remembered my sore throat and fever and crawled back into bed.

Posted in China General, My life 7 Comments »223 Lookie Lookies

Government’s got sloppy

Sloppy seconds that is.

A few days ago I arrived at my private class early so I decided to go buy a drink in case I get thirsty while I’m teaching so I walk into the shopping area near the apartment. And I see this reasonably nice car pull up. The door opened and out stepped this girl who looked like she just stepped out of the pages of Penthouse Asia.

This girl was stunning she was tall and slim wearing a short skirt and a super tight top which showed off her more than ample chest. I stopped and stared for a moment then she took out her phone and made a call. So I wiped the drool off my mouth and went to the shop because I couldn’t allow myself to get distracted for any longer.

I went into the shop and bought myself a drink. On the way out I ran into on of my students mothers so we chatted for a moment. But then I had to hurry off to my class. I had lucky timing because the girl was still there just standing around so I had another chance to stare. When suddenly a black Audi with government tags pulled up and the girl climbed in. I almost burst out laughing when I realized the government official was gonna receive sloppy seconds.

As they drove away, I wondered how many of the exclusive mistresses the government keeps are actually truly exclusive.

I know some Chinese men especially the older and richer hate to use condoms so I guess the guys are gonna have to stop being fools and start wrapping their tools. Because that sweet piece of meat, is no longer a yours only treat

Posted in China General, Sex, Humor 2 Comments »202 Lookie Lookies

Sis in China

This last few weeks have been very hectic for me due to my sister coming to visit for 8 months. Which is why I haven’t been posting for a the last week and a bit because I have been helping her settle in.� It’s weird having my sister around again since I have barely seen her in the last 4 years.

Luckily for me her and Sammi are getting along great. My sister is a pretty good cook so i get to eat some healthier foods such as wraps and veggies so my recently acquired belly should soon be on its way out.

Just in time for the wedding photos

Posted in My life 2 Comments »181 Lookie Lookies

Great Name

I just read this article on Associated Press its about a Chinese couple trying to name their child “@” yes “@” because when you mispronounce @ it sounds similar to “ai ta” (love him) I think its a interesting concept but the kid is screwed when he goes to University and needs an e-mail address i don’t think @@somewhere.com will work.

Anyways, here’s the full article

BEIJING (AP) — A Chinese couple seeking a distinctive and modern name for their child chose the commonly used Internet ‘at’ symbol, much to the consternation of Chinese officials.

The unidentified couple and the attempted naming were cited Thursday by a Chinese government official as an example of bizarre names creeping into the Chinese language.

The father “said ‘the whole world uses it to write e-mails and translated into Chinese it means ‘love him,’”‘ Li Yuming, the vice director of the State Language Commission, said at a news conference.

The symbol pronounced in English as ‘at’ sounds like the Chinese phrase “love him.”

Written Chinese does not use an alphabet but is comprised of characters, sometimes making it difficult to develop new words for new or foreign things and ideas.

In their quest for a different name, Li said that the parents of baby ‘@’ were not alone. As of last year, only 129 surnames accounted for 87 percent of all surnames in China, Li said, suggesting that the uniformity drove people to find more individual given names.

“There was even a ‘Zhao-A,’ a ‘King Osrina’ and other extremely individualistic names,” Li said, according to a transcript of the news conference posted on the government’s main web site, http://www.gov.cn .

Li did not say whether police, who are the arbiters of names because they issue identity cards, rejected baby ‘@’ and the others. But nationwide last year there were 60 million people’s names that used “unfamiliar characters,” Li said.

Or click the link

Posted in China General, Humor 4 Comments »204 Lookie Lookies

Falling stars in Suzhou

Today from 11pm until late there was a meteor shower over Suzhou since Sammi has never seen a falling star before we went off and joined the crowds at JinJiHu hoping to catch a view of some falling stars. We found a spot a bit away from the fucking lights pointed straight at the sky so we had a bit of a view of some ordinary stars but nothing compared to the nighttime views you would see in Canada especially in the mountains.

So there we are first sitting down with our heads craned up towards the sky trying to find one, once I informed Sammi that it wasn’t the most comfortable position and that in Canada we usually just lie on our back she put her head in my lap and within seconds saw the first shooting star of her life with the appropriate shrieks to accompany it. So I thought finally its starting so I lay on my back� and about 10 min later i saw my first falling star in China.

But then we didn’t see another meteor for about 30 min then we saw another one after about 40 min later, then again about 40 min later. We lay there for well over 2 hours seeing in total 6 meteors 2 of which were somewhat bright the rest were just mere flashes. Nothing streaking across the sky. Of course there was also a bunch of idiots there luckily not near us, trying to take photos of meteors using their camera phones and flash photography. Fucking retards

So in my opinion it was the worst fucking meteor shower of my life, but for Sammi it was special. I haev promised her that when she comes to Canada she can see a meteor shower thats actually visible without all the fucking lights at the sky and pollution in the air which inhibits our viewing.

For your information the meteor shower today is the Perseids

Info from wiki

The most visible meteor shower in most years are the Perseid’s which peak on August 12th -August 13th of each year at over 1 meteor a minute.

Doesn’t sound the the one I saw maybe for this meteor shower some of the meteors were not allowed in Chinese airspace due to government security concerns, “We must control the peoples access to the falling stars we don’t want to entitle them to too many wishes that aren’t state sanctioned”

Seeing a falling star in China is like finding a honest policeman, almost fucking impossible!

Posted in China General, Humor, My life 2 Comments »186 Lookie Lookies